Thats how they have consequences. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). I will admit though, it is very hard not to slip back into old patterns, and the hardest of all, is that I still have strong feelings for him, its just about impossible not to after all those years, 5 kids and so many shared experiences, not all of which were bad. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. He is already a bit worked up he gets worked up alot I said no of course notturns out, when he said Monica, I assumed Monica from the bank called but I find out no, Monica is the secretary for the company the cheque was written to which I could not have known and a little further investigation on my part was she tried to cash the cheque before the date so the bank returned it! Others think he is wonderful. Still havent done anything legal Im nearly positive he never will (but oh, I was already wrong once! I have no idea what goes on there and he has take. You know that he will blow up and make a scene about this so be prepared. I just asked him via text after four years of love and devotion is he willing to give it all up for one moment of truth? I am so sorry to hear this Aspen, This is why we put so much stress on you being calm and very careful in how you approach the police. He was in the habit of driving completely drunk. My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. He tells me in a text later that night after Id told to drink concrete and harden up. But looking back, I guess Ive loved a few of them and I am just now seeing it. Looking back on a long-term relationship with a Narcissistic bf, I see I had big delusions about us both For a year we worked hard using Kims materials- which worked really well- to the point where I no longer felt weak or controlled, and my partner altered behavior beyond what Id ever (EVER) thought possible! This is hell. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. I have two kids by her.. Everything is my fault.. Idk if the meds are real or not.. She dont take responsibility, or account. The worse thing is seeing how he uses older women who are lonely and they need the attention they have no idea why he is in there life but its for something he wants done and they can help him accomplish his wants. That may not make sense right now but really it is about respect. Despite the difficulties of this life, I love my husband and do not want to leave him. Then used access to them as a way of continuing to control me. This is a very volatile situation and you need to sort through it but also to take care. I know separating would be devastating for him, I believe him to be a vulnerable person without support. Well long story short, I have made the decision to end the relationship because I have finally realized that he has been using, abusing and manipulating me and it has nearly destroyed me. 2 Flaunt how happy you are without them. Emotionally it would have felt to me like defeat I couldnt make myself go that road I was shunned enough. Everything that has been stated here is exactly what Ive been through. Why do i hurt for him so much when i know it will not change and he has moved on. Otherwise be kind to yourself by forgiving them, but make sure you are prepared with better scripts next time. That money was for her college fund. Sometimes I wish Id die and just get it over with. I work on myself to cope with that . As a Catholic priest advised me: Some people are just not capable of fulfilling the roles required of a marriage partner, i.e. But, we cant lose the business either. The reason i fall for these men? If anyone knows what resources will be of help to me, please let me know. I do have two children from my previous marriage so I have to make sure our home is in order and there is food LOL, so to have him have natural consequences for example there not being food is not an option. She told me when I was in high school that she picked me to take care of all the family members. The last time I tried, he beat me so badly that I almost lost my life. Have you approached him with these things as you have them stated here in the past? And after all that effort, it still isnt a relationship anyway! He broke up with her and I am so glad but she wont move on. A few weeks later you bought a new one and called my daughter and me over and told us what you did and that you wanted to FIX it and asked her to put it on me. Hi Lisa, Hang in there! Our finances are seperated and always have been but he has been borrowing money from me several times and is paying it back in monthly payments. I do love him. It is a relief to find this page. Im wondering if youve looked at all angles? 3. Thank you Ann and Marie. Hi Debbie Of course you should part if you feel that way! I cant trust him yet of course. and managed to touch the place that connected us, he could see his roll in our relationship, apologize for what happened and be accountable. Thank you Kim and Steve for your inspirational insights Im trying to hang in there!!!! Said it was a hurt beyond which I could ever know! When your second daughters birthday came, keeping in mind again she is 9, a week later, I asked you if you bought her something. Is it a good idea to just go and do my own stuff then in a non-confrontational manner? If you want to forge a new path you must vow not to get stuck in those endless hours anymore. of stress and terrors..overlooking tolerating praying about (God will not do for us what he equipped us to do for ourself) and my having temper storms at him. I have been married to my N wife for 16 years. I am divorced from them, but one has since passed away. The narcissist's inability to act conscientiously in a relationship illuminates his or her lack of empathy. All of you bloggers have a great deal of courage. I am better off without him. But really, I am just angry and hurt. I did this wrong more than once before, I wanted to leave him four times already out of anger, out of fear and just in the heat of the moment, when we were arguing. Do I defend myself how do I handle the lies he tells me or texts me. I know he will never agree to have his check deposited into my account. I immediately hated who I was becoming, he was trying to get me from being a mum to being dependent again (this was good!) Try giving him the sort attention you crave. 2. My partner realized the change. He was a wonderful, handsome man. I realised my husband is always trying to prove what a good guy he is to everyone. I will be fine. Thank you so much for all your hard work in getting the word out about NPD/co-dependency and a way to work through a marriage and not just run away from it. After 37 years he left with his then current lover and finally divorced me. Everyone needs different ideas and I thank you for adding yours to the discussion. I know he will never be ok and get past this but I can daily handle all his misbehaviors. Once a. A good way to understand how to make a narcissist miserable is to spring the occasional surprise on them. 3 Remove all emotion from your reactions to them. I will pray for you! So take kims advice and work on becoming your best and highest self, learn to set healthy boundaries, learn how to respond to criticism, learn to protect yourself, and learn to not be critical. How does sex work in these relationships? Clever eh. The constant struggle I am working on and dont know how to solve is how to deal with broken promises. Nor did getting a councilor and mental health services involved. Hang in there and keep working through the steps and exercises in the books! I have a severe physical disability and cannot take on parenting an adult it is too draining, Tanya we could be talking about the same man here, amazing. I was going to divorce him and he asked for forgiveness and a second chance it was good for a month but he couldnt keep it up and now 7 months later I am telling him I want a divorce our eclesiastical leader is helping he hopes to heal our marraige But I feel my N is immovable to compromise. Welcome my channel! Was left for me is to accept the real him and stop falling for the fantasy of who I would like him to be. During one of these times, she may lose her life. Your email address will not be published. It is natural for narcissistic people to care for the things that they consider worthy, particularly when given a platform to do so. I moved a second time 6 months later, with my daughter, the dogs and the horses so we could rent a house big enough for all of us. There is absolutely no redeeming qualities about a person who has a blaming spirit and thinks that everyone else is the problem. Catherine, Just reading all these responses it seems most of the sufferers of this kind of narcissistic abuse are females, and that most abusive narcissists are males; although Im sure there must also be male sufferers of female Ns too.. Its almost two years later, we are separate under the same roof until I can move out. And for the past year+ I have asked him repeatedly to tell me what made him so angrywhat can I do to make it upcant we work at thisand he has yet to tell meInstead, said hes never coming back, could never work, wont see me and talk face to face, and now fading away again (no calls no texts). Please come and visit our homepage. Over all control of the money. If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him. Thanks for all you have shared with me and my sons. 7 Cut off all communication. Do not warn him about this or he may have time to make up a story. Hi Butterfly and welcome! Good work Mary! After his death i met a nother man, also with some npd behaviour. Absolute hell. You say your marriage cannot be annulled and your husband doesnt qualify for Divorce. He is a disbarred attorney who signed an amicable divorce decree but of course, has refused to pay a penny and has left us in a mess. As soon as we were separated and he had a chance to talk alone, he turned them against me. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. Year and half ago, started hearing voices, making outrageous claims, obsessed over me, needed wanted me, if I didnt give him attention it would be horrible on me. ANYTIME I complain about anything there is ABSOLUTELY no sympathetic response from him. I wish I would have read this yesterday, and after giving kuddos for better communication and then N becoming evasive againI asked if we were o.k. Id meant to say in that last sentence that id text him to say I was tired and hence grumpy that bubs wasnt sleeping.he told me to drink concrete and harden up it was my choice to have the baby, hed have had an abortion. What I am suggesting here is not about reasoning but action. ugh. I did fall into withdrawing from him when it started to fail and now recognize that this may have been due to my own inability to love/TRUSTand my way of trying to yield a different result (aka control?) I was married to someone who could be defined as a toxic narcissist for thirteen years. All the idiots get tossed out quick, and NO i dont care about their opinion, and all the good solid people started coming into my life. I have set up a separate account for our bills, what do you think we can do" (this to a spendthrift partner) You Never Beat The Narcissist But once you go there you have lost haven't you? The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get them out of your hair. Hi Genelle and welcome (-: There are exercises to deal with this type of behaviour in the chapter on limiting abuse in The Love Safety Net Workbook. Do a "deep search" instead. Just last night he tried to manipulate me again into lending him more money by setting the stage thru being super sweet cooking and cleaning and then bamm, here he goes again. My ex of 12 years NPD and BPD has tried everything in his power to destroy me and our two girls. I love him deeply to this day. I will do both. Getting my narcissist significant other to be accountable will never happen. It really helps!! Just as long as I stick to my boundaries. Unfortunately he had already sold the offending computer to me he had manipulated me so much that i genuinely believed that what i had seen on the computer was my imagination i was the crazy one etc so that by the time the police arrested him he had bought a new computer. Most of these people around him had low self esteem and really did not want to be exposed for there own fears. Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. Or just the other day, he said he got a call from Monica, a cheque bounced. As we know narcissists often act in ways that defy all definition of normal. So, I think who am I hurting? I feel guilty as hell for my behavior deteriorating also. I look at it like a job now. I think the boss may be annoyed with him now because he is always finding stuff wrong no one else does hence making others look bad, hes been given some questionable stuff to do that I actually wondered if the boss is setting him up for failure. I am still married and my husband and i are now really good friends so that had a happy ending. Please consider: Narcissistic people hate it when anyone tries to hold them accountable and so attempting to make them admit their shortcomings or mistakes will only break rapport. To add perspective he was not in communication around the birth, claiming the number on his old phone didnt transfer correctly (hed moved to NZ a few months earlier but hadnt told me, I heard from a friend of his, and I got in contact with him looking up surnames in the phonebook as I knew hed be living with his Dad) and his reason for not emailing me..his stepmother was always on the computer and so he couldnt! I never did something like this in my life, but, Ive always been a very active person and did a lot on my own and now Im stuck in a wheelchair with limited funds and spend a lot of time and energy on my health. Sorry to rant. I have returned to college studying the medical field, I am on the honour role which opens my eyes to the fact that I am not dumb and stupid like he drummed into my head for so many years. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. And thats why its hard. Am I supposed to live a life of unhappiness till the kids graduate and pray he doesnt completely f*** them up in the mean time? I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. that is healthy and will treat her right. and we had had a moment together. Right now we are working on trust, and honesty to build that trust. Then the row would be about him trying to leave not about the original subject which was over and done with already. What you want is for his doctor to understand that he may be held responsible if he does not take your letter seriously. Then on the first you told me you didnt have the money because it was Christmas and you needed money. She loves me for a mattervof time, its all good, but then hates next, the patterns are the same, im close to divorseN her, almost went to family courts, just to set the boundaries the she refuses to have.. And priorites.its 6 years yesterday, I mean, shes in and then out of my life, the love of my life ..yall pray for me Pray for us. I set limits and gave consequencesif this happens then this other thing will happen. He is so fake but good at it with others. This can be a sudden outburst of anger or passive aggression. It makes me feel good and yet its a fantasy that hes interested in anything I have to say since not one single word of response. I worked through all your books, eagerly. I have just stood by and finally let it all happen to him. No more thinking they can manipulate you and do whatever else they want without having to answer for it. If this is your first time seeing my face o. Narcissists engage in hot-and-cold behavior and intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked in the relationship. In. You didnt tell me about the damage until I saw it one day and when I asked you about it, you told me that you were going to tell me about it after you fixed it. He says what happened to you? They have been so helpful! If you still love him well then give him a chance but you also need to make sure you have rock solid boundaries in place including your money and your time. Your idea may work but it may also be hard for you to make him carry through on when he gets home. The child is held accountable and encouraged to recognize and understand a feeling . I get it you want me out because I am of no use to you anymore Or is cutting off sex simply the same as threatening to leave him? I too hope you take a path that is filled with more happiness for you. We made the agreement that we would split the payment and insurance in the meantime so you had a car to drive. (they seem to have a hard time understanding the grief I am experiencing, for starters!). What percentage of females. I thought things would change they dont. He was right. If money is borrowed I have to ask him to please find a way to make his own money through employment. Kim has also said this. I do mean literally do anything to not be found out. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. Your materials and tips were and are instrumental in my change from complete co-dependency and despondance to feeling stronger and communicating clearly. I finally found an article about STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.